Thursday, December 28, 2017

A Girl Who's Me

+JMJ+



All my life, I've copied people.

I see someone who I want to be like, characters in books, in movies, in real life, I imitate them.......it's just what I've always done.  

What a hard moment that was, at least 4 or 5 years ago, when I realized that I didn't know who I was.  I spent so much time trying to be like people, I felt at that moment that I had forgotten who I actually am.

I remember being a little girl, riding in the back of the mini-van.  Mom had just dropped a few of the older kids off at a friend's house and we were presumably driving home.  I can still picture exactly what I was looking at outside the window.  

It was evening, the sky was already growing dark.  It must have just rained as the pavement was shiny under the bright city lights.  We were just getting on the interstate on a curved entering ramp when I thought a strange thought.  

Why am I who I am?

I was either four or five years old.  These thoughts made me feel all empty inside.......what value did I have? 

Fast forward a handful of years and now we're nearing the start of 2018.  I'll be 19 in February and my mind is still swirling with heavy thoughts.

I've always been anxious.  

I was the little girl who would cry in large crowds because I thought Mom and Dad would loose me.  I was the little girl who wouldn't let her mom out of her sight for fear of never seeing her again.  I was the little girl who feared something would happen that would somehow take away from her all the people she loved. 

 I am the young woman who inwardly, sometimes outwardly, cries when she has to leave for work because it means being away from her family whom she loves.  I am the young woman who suffers scruples because she obsesses about offending her Holy God in Heaven she so wishes to truly love.  I am the young woman who feels so anxious even at the thought of parties and large-group events she has physical reactions that are sometimes so painful she can't stand. 

I'm the young woman who loves to laugh and who loves to talk about health foods, tents, and how toxic sugar is (probably while eating a cookie 🍪💗 #sugaraddictionprobs).  I'm the young lady who loves to pour over Divine Intimacy, no-doubt underlining more then necessary, who eats bean-oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, who will probably start turning green (too many spinach smoothies) and who loves to meditate because she knows that her God, sitting on the Heavenly Throne, is listening to her......hearing all the words she can not speak. 

I'm the young woman who writes out her heart on this blog......knowing that writing heals many problems and hoping that she'll somehow, in some small, strange way, help some other soul out there in this great, wide world who feels the same way she does.  

Whenever I seem to be drowning in my problems, I remember that the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus in Heaven is holding me against The Beating Divine Heart, wrapped in the holy mantle of the Blessed Mother's love.  

I know I have problems, but I also know that when I look at Jesus, hanging there on the Cross, they no-longer matter.  The Love of Holy Jesus overtakes all things.  

At the foot of the Holy Cross, I'm strong.  At the foot of the Holy Cross, I realize that I'm worth more then I can ever understand......and that goes for every single soul that God Creates!  At the foot of the Holy Cross, standing next to our Blessed Mother, I see just how wonderful and beautiful it is to be a woman!  What wonders can be revealed to us if we merely put ourselves at the foot of the Holy Cross! 

Yes, I do know why I am who I am.  I am who I am because God, Whose Wisdom is Infinite, decided that is was absolutely necessary to have this little soul in His Garden.  Otherwise, it wouldn't ever be complete.  God overflows my soul with love......God loves me more then I know.  How beautiful! 

"When creating us, God loved us so much that He made us
to His own image and likeness; when redeeming us, He loved us so much
that He made Himself to our image!"
(Divine Intimacy, p. 86) 

You are great, O Lord, my God, and worthy of all praise.
May my soul love You, my tongue praise You, my hand
write of You, and may my whole soul be occupied in these
holy exercises.   
(Divine Intimacy, p. 93) 

May God bless you!  Please pray for all those who have no-one to pray for them.

"Come!  Come, adore, listen, and rejoice!  Jesus,
the Word of the Father, speaks to us a wonderful
word:  God loves you!"
(Divine Intimacy, p. 83)
Please pray for me.  I'm praying for you!

In the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus,

Emma

6 comments:

  1. I understand completely.

    I started having anxiety around the time I was 11 - one of the side effects of puberty I suppose. At that point, I was bouncing around different things - dancing, music, agriculture, history, other hobbies.....having no clue where in the world my place was.

    Over ten years later, I have a better idea, but still need to figure out where exactly my path lies. And only God can tell me that.

    I don't like working either - I feel that I'm neglecting my household if I do that. Even though I enjoyed all the jobs that I've had previously (with the exception of my last one) and still think dearly of my former coworkers; I don't think I belong in the working world.

    I'm glad to know you, Emma *hugs* I'll keep you in my prayers!

    Happy New Year!

    Catherine

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    1. Thank you! It's nice to know you to :)

      I agree: it does feel like I'm neglecting were I feel I belong when I work. However, I know that it is good for me in some ways. It has really made me realize what all I value and the importance of family.

      Thanks for commenting and for the prayers! God bless and Happy New Year!

      Emma

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  2. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. This may come as a surprise, but I did use to cry when I had to go to IHH back when it was big. Whenever we went to anyone's house I would hide where ever the books were and be very unsocial. :D I'm still like that, although I love to hang out with my friends now, because they are so awesome.

    I'll be praying for you. :)

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Eowyn!

      HFH was always the worst for me (though IHH was stressful at times). I suppose that's one thing good about being in the working world......you get put out of your comfort zone and makes you grow.

      Thanks for the prayers! God bless and Happy New Year!

      Emma

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    2. HFH never bothered me really, maybe because I could hide in the corner and we were doing something, and there really wasn't a lot of chit chatting going on in the classrooms. It wasn't until my last year there that I began to have the uncomfortable feeling that people didn't like me. Maybe it was because I was older and could handle it more.
      I noticed that both you and Catherine were saying neither of you liked working much, and preferred to be at home. I prefer not to do it either, but I am so blessed with my job. I love working with the little kids, and feel like it's well preparing me for the future, especially where patience is required. And believe me, I am sorely lacking in that field.

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    3. I just didn't like all the people. Too many faces packed in one hallway......just a tad bit overwhelming.

      I do prefer to be home. I love the lull of family life, the conversation, even the jobs. I always have someone to talk to, to rant to, to joke with. I love it because I can see so clearly the beauty of family. When I go to the workplace, there's no such consolation. All those I work with hold very different views on practically everything. I've been told that our priests are "money-hungering," that those who go to TLM are "putting themselves above everyone else," and many other attacks. Do you see why it's hard to feel "at home" at my job?

      Well, got to go! God bless!

      Emma

      PS: thanks for commenting!

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